Inspired by this tweet by Taylor Lorenz.
I needed new headphones, and I needed them fast. My dog had gone ahead and chewed up my old ones, the pair of rose-gold Beats I’d gotten for free when I bought my laptop a few years ago. I couldn’t have afforded them back then and I definitely couldn’t afford them now, not on my day-care salary.
And I couldn’t get along very well at all sans headphones, not with my soul-deadening commute. My podcasts and music were the only things that kept me alive most days.
So, to the great hulking commercial behemoth of the web I went. Typing “on-ear headphones” into the Amazon search bar brought up a convulsive cascade of results, algorithmically sorted according to some arcane, unknowable formula.
I scrolled for only a second before coming across a pair that looked very much like my dearly departed rose-gold ones, except these ones were an off-brand ripoff that only cost $24.99, and shipped free with Prime. They looked perfect. 13 five-star reviews. I clicked Buy Now without a second thought.
Thank god for next-day shipping; they arrived on Sunday afternoon and I didn’t have to endure a headphone-free commute.
On the train, I did the fiddly work of pairing up the headphones with my phone for the first time, and then turned on Spotify’s Pop Rising playlist.
The pounding of deep, ancient-sounding drums, I thought, was an interesting choice for the instrumental accompaniment of Charli XCX’s vocals on this new single. Perhaps she was going through some sort of medieval phase.
I stayed late at work, helping my boss rearrange a few classrooms. By the time I got to the train, rush hour was long past. The train arrived nearly empty; I found a seat, collapsed into it, and turned on my music. This time I picked Spotify’s Chill Hits playlist, which started up with Lana Del Rey. I didn’t recognize the song; it lacked the soothing guitar strums and gentle strings I’d come to associate with her work.
“Julia. Julia. Julia,” a deep voice boomed, over the heavy drums and the low chanting and the piping flutes.
I took the headphones off, and looked around the train. The few other commuters were in their own little world. They all had their own headphones. Nobody was looking at me; none of them even seemed like they were capable of having produced that sonorous call.
I put the headphones back on.
“Julia!” the voice said, over the beat of the drums.
The train stopped; it wasn’t my stop, but I got off anyway, and walked down the platform to a lonely bench. “Yes?” I whispered.
“Julia! You bear witness to the drums! You hear the voice of Æthelwulf the Rhythmic! You are the one who has been chosen to lead us in battle against the heathens!”
“Are you sure about that?” I said.
“Look at your device. The sign is unmistakable.”
I did so; down at the bottom, below where the song title scrolled past, was where it usually read BEATS to mark out the headphone connection.
Now, it said BÆTS.
While I was looking down at the screen, a text came in from Emily. Sorry, going to have to rain check on wine night. Tim got food poisoning from a danger dog and I’m taking him to the emergency room.
Ugh, it was always something with fucking Tim.
“What sayeth you?” boomed the voice in my headphones now. “Will you take up arms? The Danes are at our very gates!”
“I’m not sure,” I said, but the voice was having none of it.
“You wear the Bæts, and you are to be our champion! And also, you don’t have anything else on tonight! Emily is a flake!”
“That’s true,” I said. So I shrugged, and went off to fight the heathens.
It wasn’t that hard, honestly. It turned out that corralling an Anglo-Saxon battalion wasn’t that much different than herding four-year-olds, and that Vikings reacted about as well to my basic day-care behavioral stratagems as the kids did, which is to say, pretty damn well, with a couple exceptions that could be remedied easily with individually-wrapped Starbursts. It was a good thing I’d just bought a new bag.
By the time I returned home I was sweat-soaked, filthy, and covered in blood (mostly not mine). I’d used up all my gold star stickers on the Vikings, and my voice was hoarse from shouting Now, I’m going to start counting, and when I get to ten I want all of you to be sitting quietly.
It wasn’t until I’d gotten out of the shower and was toweling off that I realized I’d left my headphones somewhere on the muddy battlefield. Hard to remember now, but I was pretty sure they’d been knocked off by a broadsword.
I wrapped the towel around myself, sat down at my desk, and opened my laptop. I went into my Amazon purchase history, clicked the link for the ripoff headphones, and scrolled down to the reviews.
✭✭✭✭✭
Defeated The Heathen Army
Amazing sound quality for the price. Fast shipping, easy pairing with device. Was called upon to defend the borders of the kingdom & took up arms against invaders. Packaging is secure and item is durable with an attractive finish.
✭✭✭✭✭
great times in olde englande
headphones have good fit even with my big head - hard to find. EDM sounds great through them. ended up back in ancient times which was cool and got to kill vikings and then taught big guy named alfred how to do fortnite dance hahah
✭✭✭✭✭
Best headphones I’ve ever owned
It must be said that these are some seriously dope headphones. I’m no audiophile, but trust me the quality is fantastic. Æthelwulf — or Wulfy as I like to call him — is a total bro and knows all the best drinking spots in Wessex. Ask him about that time with Pega in the abbey cellar ;D
I smiled, and clicked Buy Now again.
I’d have to keep better track of them next time.