Today is my 24th birthday. In honor of my stylish and stressful entrance into the official boundaries of my mid-20s, and to inaugurate this here brand spankin’ new freeform publication, here are some classic birthday memories from the vault.
7th birthday, 2002
The first Harry Potter movie came out shortly after my 6th birthday, but by the time my 7th birthday rolled around my wizard fever was still 100% going strong. Hence the magic theme of this party which I believe included a real life magician who dressed up as a wizard SERIOUSLY blew some elementary school minds in that Evanston dance studio that day.
10th birthday, 2005
Remember Razor scooters? I wanted one SO BAD. I wanted to scoot around the neighborhood looking FLASH and FLY. I truly believed the sleek metal frame of the scooter would cancel out my ugly glasses and gappy teeth.
Ah, but the box that arrived from my grandparents on this fateful day was no Razor. It was some sort of cheap Chinese ripoff, possibly called RIZLOR or RONZO. Well, close enough, I thought.
I carefully unpacked it and assembled it, and was just about to take it out for a first scoot when I heard my mom yell from behind me, “Don’t forget to wear your helmet!”
I definitely rolled my eyes, but indulged her, and strapped my helmet on before zooming off down the block.
And I’d barely gone a half-dozen yards before TRAGEDY STRUCK. Both handlebars of the flimsy knockoff scooter literally SNAPPED LOOSE underneath my fifth-grade hands. I immediately lost my balance, and pitched sideways onto the grass, landing on top of my right wrist with terrible force.
Long story short, it was a hairline fracture, I got a cool cast, was rewarded with a VERY RARE trip to McDonalds, and, best of all: I still made it to Blue Man Group that night with my family.
13th birthday, 2008
OK, this is kind of cheating, because technically this took place about a month after my actual birthday, but guys, my bat mitzvah was LIT.
Like, alright, I may not have had a DJ, or a Theme, or Printed Sweatpants With My Name And Date That Girls Could Wear To School And Subsequently To Summer Camp, but I DID HAVE:
My dad’s extremely pro gigging band, complete with tummler
A chocolate fountain
All of the kids from my school who didn’t like me but I invited anyway because I wanted the satisfaction of seeing them have a good time at my party, which was truly an incredibly powerful feeling
An Obama-themed green screen photo booth (this was 3 days before the ’08 election)
The cutest purple dress of all time that looked GREAT in the photos of me getting lifted up in the chair
Also, my parshah was Noah’s Ark, which was pretty entertaining. I always felt bad for the kids who had to do the genealogies or the bits about leprosy.
15th birthday, 2010
This was the year my parents got me a TARDIS cake. Truly in that moment I felt so loved and understood, which as a teenager deep in the throes of obsession meant a lot. DOO WEE OOH, bitches.
17th birthday, 2012
Pretty sure for this one I just had a bunch of my Homestuck cosplay friends sleep over my house and we watched anime until like 2AM while completely sober. Really, that more or less sums up my entire high school experience.
20th birthday, 2015
You ever throw a party and nobody comes?
Even though you sent out the Facebook invites two weeks in advance, and made a cute banner for the event page?
Even though it was a FRIDAY NIGHT and you CHECKED and there wasn’t ANYTHING ELSE going on that night?
Even though you bought FOOD and ALCOHOL and made a fucking FIRE PLAYLIST?
YEAH. IT WAS LIKE THAT.
21st birthday, 2016
The trauma of the previous year was still fresh in my mind. I was determined to make the big two-one the biggest, brightest blowout bash of all time. In order to get people to come, I hit upon a flawless method: I’d book bands that other people actually liked to play a venue, and then I’d just brand it as my party, so that when people showed up to see the bands, I could pretend they were there for me.
In the hustle of the big day, I barely had time to feed myself, and made the critical error of grabbing a pre-made teriyaki bowl from the Ralph’s on Adams. (I KNOW, I KNOW!) Anyway, it did the job, and gave me sufficient calories to power through, but as the first band wrapped up onstage I started to feel… well, I started to feel………
Oh, no.
By the time the second band was midway through their set I was VERY aware of the current situation and was HANDLING IT the best I could. My angel of a father was there and provided Pepto-Bismol, but it was unfortunately of little help. I kept disappearing off to the bathroom, missing my favorite songs from the bands that I’d worked so hard to book.
Near the end of the third set I could feel things coming to a head. I hoped against hope that this would be the resolution of it all and I could continue the rest of the night in relative bodily peace. I rushed to the bathroom one last time and did, in fact, feel cleansed by the end of it.
But through the door I could hear something strange happening outside, and by something I mean nothing, because the band had gone silent, but their set couldn’t be over, because the house music wasn’t on…
I stumbled out of the bathroom, shivery-legged, to see all of my friends on stage with the band holding a huge red velvet birthday cake. They’d been calling my name for at least a minute.
“I’m here!” I shouted weakly, and they commenced a relieved rendition of “Happy Birthday.”
I blew out the candles— but let it be known that I could not stomach the cake.
Ah, youth.