Friday Tchotchke #31: The Department of Returns
A short story about reincarnation and the Beatles
Dear Weiss Family,
The Department of Returns has completed its full evaluation of your daughter Greta and confirmed the findings of the initial local post-delivery scan, which was flagged by our automated system as an Exceptional Return. Confirmation of class Exceptional has been actioned by the Department.
I have attached in PDF format our existing Departmental general resource packet on your Exceptional Return, prepared by external professionals and scholars alongside Department experts as part of our anticipatory strategy some years ago.
A bespoke report tailored to your child’s specific Prior identity and your family situation will be delivered in-person by your lead case worker at a later date, at which time Greta will receive a follow-up examination and you can ask any questions you might have about what to expect.
The report was finalized before the foundation of the Bridgit Mendler Academy for Exceptional Returns, but rest assured that Greta’s placement is assured, should you want to enroll her when she turns 12.
I want to acknowledge that Greta is the first of this rarefied Exceptional category to have a Recognized Return. She has occasioned great interest within the Department, as well as overseas in the UK’s Ministry of Returns. They’re extremely jealous, to be clear. But we are very proud to have had Greta born here in the USA and we would like to think her Prior would be too.
Sincerely,
Everly Kasich
Senior Family Representative, Federal Department of Returns
So Your New Baby Is A Beatle: What’s Next For Your Family
[Compiled by Department of Returns, Dec 2041]
The Beatles: Basic Information
The Beatles were a 20th-century rock and roll band active from 1960-1970. They are the best-selling musical act of all time, with over 1 billion units sold to date.
Formed in Liverpool, England, by John Lennon (1940-1980), Paul McCartney (1942-2029), George Harrison (1943-2001), and Ringo Starr (1940-2040), the Beatles made an incalculable impact on modern culture, forming the foundation of pop music as we know it.
For more on the Beatles, we recommend:
Mark Lewisohn’s All Those Years trilogy (2013-2036)
The Beatles Anthology television series (1995-96)
Your Baby: Basic Information
Do not be alarmed if your child seems to initially strongly dislike the sounds of rock, skiffle, jazz, and psychedelic music, and/or exhibits distress at the smell of marijuana, and/or resists being dressed in any black and white garments. This is Post-Return Rejection (PRR) and with gentle encouragement and exposure can be got over, safely and easily preventing a full Rejection scenario and preserving your child’s potential.
If possible, restrict your child from hearing any Beatles music until after the PRR window has passed (approximately 9 months). This may be difficult and require some level of isolation, but will be very worth it. When the window has passed, monitor your child carefully during deliberate exposures of increasing intensity. Be on hand to comfort and soothe if the experience proves distressing, or celebrate joyfully if the experience is a happy one.
As an Exceptional Return your child may display a tendency towards vivid dreams, insomnia, sleepwalking, sleep-talking, bedwetting, and other nocturnal disturbances as they grow. The Department of Returns encourages digital monitoring of nighttime verbalizations and would appreciate (though does not require) to be informed of any which mention names and places with significance to Beatles history. Key phrases to look out for: “Yoko,” “Manila,” “Guru,” “Dylan,” “Mach Schau,” &c.
Your child will not necessarily display an aptitude for art, music, or performance at an early age. This is nothing to worry about and does not indicate PRR. The desire to participate may not arise until adolescence. Meanwhile, curiosity and creativity should be encouraged as with any child.
Cultivating Your Beatle
The Beatles came from working-class families. For their Returns to live in too much comfort may severely limit their cultivation. For affluent families, downsizing will be the best option. It surely will not be too much of a sacrifice to live, or at least appear to live, beneath your means, if that gives your child and society at large the best possible opportunities in the long-term.
If you do not already live in an inner-city area, we strongly recommend relocating to a dense, walkable urban environment, so that your child can explore freely and experience independence. While wanting to be protective of your Beatle is understandable, helicopter parenting, coddling, and over-involvement is strongly contraindicated.
Developing a deep maternal bond is especially encouraged as far as your child’s early years, but after about the age of 6, divorce, separation, and/or family deaths will not do any more harm than is to be expected normally, and can in fact benefit your child’s creative maturation in the long run by introducing inspirational hardships. There is no need to stay together or sacrifice your happiness for the sake of your child.
As with all pre-2000 Exceptional Returns, our official recommendation is that screen and algorithm exposure be moderated until adolescence. We recognize this may be difficult, but ensuring the proper environment outside the home will do much of the work for you. In-person community is extremely important for Beatles. The urban area you choose should not only have a vibrant and diverse arts scene, but ideally your family should become active in a religion of your choice. Raising your Beatle with a strong internal cultural identity will allow for full expression of adolescent rebellion against it, as well as providing a stable environment within which to encounter potential collaborators.
Desire to achieve social recognition and distinction will emerge naturally around age 10 as the ego matures. It will be at this point that adequate socialization will become paramount. Your Beatle will naturally seek out artistic partners. Finding the “right” one matters less than you might think. Statistically speaking, there is no guarantee that corresponding Returns will emerge in parallel, let alone in geographic proximity. While it is sad to think about, it may be that your Beatle is the only one of this century, and they will find un-Exceptional collaborators lucky enough to contribute to their work.
Focus on permitting your child to pursue their interests and make friends, while also maintaining a realistic attitude towards their future: encouraging traditional post-secondary schooling and careers, discouraging “irresponsibility,” and other approaches which may indeed come naturally enough as parents. This will ensure your Beatle has something to strive for.
Early Conversations to Have
Ages 0-1: Encouraging listening, teaching musical vocabulary
“Do you like this song?”
“How does this music make you feel? It’s a happy song, isn’t it?”
Ages 2-3: Prompting organic integration of somatic memories
“Have you ever seen a big crowd before? Does it scare you? It’s OK if it does. Big crowds can be really scary.”
“You look really nice with long hair! Don’t you feel nice?”
Ages 4-6: Handing over artistic agency
“Can you choose a song for us to play in the car? Who is your favorite singer?”
“Do you want to pick an instrument to learn? Or would you rather take painting classes?”
Revealing Prior
If recognition is spontaneously achieved at any age, by aural, visual, or oneiric means, it may be freely confirmed by you. However, this is rare. In the more likely absence of Spontaneous Recognition (SpR), per Department best practices your child’s Prior should not be revealed before reaching the age of majority at which point they can utilize official channels to request an Informed Recognition (InR) of their own accord. Coaching and advice on how best to keep your child’s Prior secret can be obtained from your Department of Returns website and local office.